Monday, September 08, 2008

The Day That Mom Ran Away

I have been having many "dark days" lately. It is getting harder and harder to handle the day to day stresses that are going on. Saturday, I snapped.

Dave has been working very long hours lately. And since he got put on salary, he doesn't even get compensated for the hours. It has been a really stressful situation. On Friday, my mom said she would stay with The Bear and treat Dave and I to a date night movie. We have been unable to have a date night for several months, due to schedules and finances. I called him at work to let him know and we were both excited to be able to spend some time together. At 5, when he was supposed to be getting off work, he called to tell me he would be working late...again, and didn't know when he would be home. I waited and waited, but it was after 9 before he got home. It was too late to go on our date. I suggested that we use the movie money and have a breakfast date on Saturday morning before my mom had to go home. He said he had to go into work at 7am on Saturday. Friday, he had had to go in early, had once again not been able to take a lunch, (or dinner) break. I told him that I thought his boss was taking advantage of him and blah, blah, blah. He got mad at me and went to bed.

Saturday morning, early, I had a VERY stressful situation happen with The Bear. It is something that has been happening almost EVERY DAY since he got his casts put on. I hit my limit. After taking care of (cleaning up) the situation, I got a trash bag and threw all of his video games into it. I then had him follow me outside where I proceeded to dump them all into the trash. He was screaming and throwing a fit saying that "this was his worst day ever". I yelled back and said, "welcome to my world". Then sent him to his room and locked myself in my room. (My mom was here and had to deal with the whole thing...sorry mom.) I was in my room for about an hour, stewing and stewing, then I just couldn't take it anymore. I went to the computer, logged onto priceline and bid on a hotel room for the next two nights. I didn't have the money to do this. It was very irresponsible. My bid for $35 was accepted, so I threw some clothes in a bag, and as I was walking out the door, said, "very calmly", that I would be back in two days. I then called Dave on his cell and said the same thing. Then...I was out the door. It was 9am.

I drove to the hotel, (just in Tempe, about 20 minutes from my house), checked in and proceeded to cry for the next several hours. It was a horrible day. Not relaxing. I felt guilty for spending the money. I had no money for food. I felt bad for yelling at The Bear. I felt bad for leaving my mom there at home, "holding the bag". I talked to Dave several times on the phone and I was inconsolable. It wasn't right for me to just take off when he is having such a bad time at work right now.

To make a long story somewhat shorter, Dave and The Bear came and visited me at the hotel on Saturday night and spent the night there. Dave ended up having to go back to work at 1am for a couple of hours. The Bear stayed with me. Saturday morning, we let Dave sleep in while The Bear and I explored around the hotel. They left at about 10 and I stayed there for the rest of the day, sleeping and reading. By 8pm, I was ready to go home. I checked out early and drove back.

Dave had to go back to work last night at 12:30 for a couple of hours and will have to do the same tonight. What makes me crazy is that the overtime pay he SHOULD be getting for all the hours spent there would pull us out of this financial nightmare we are in right now, but no.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I just deal and roll with the punches. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

12 comments:

Chicka said...

Oh sweetie, I truly believe that anyone who has struggled with depression even the tiniest little bit has had a really rough go of it this year. And especially with the change of seasons (or full moon, or Mercury in retrograde, or something!)...it's been horrible.

You are NOT alone. Give a scream in my direction if you need to vent. I'm always willing to listen, even if I don't have the magic wand to cure all.

flaredblond said...

I know what you are going through ! Rob is on salary too and it SUCKS ! The comapany truely has them by the ( you know what ) .
I feel like running away too :)If I had the money we would go on a road trip :)
Hugs

Strider said...

I hate to even throw out this "phrase" because often times it doesn't help the person who is struggling. But I have found when times like this that "try the soul" often are for the purpose of "letting go and letting God!" I doubt if your actions over the weekend surprised, or even bothered God. He knows all this stuff and is in the process of bringing order to your lives. He'll prove, once again, at a deeper level, that you guys can trust him. As to be put on salary from hourly wage.....welcome to my world. Be blessed and keep your chin up my friend.

AZMom said...

Salaried jobs, while they pay more, suck because there is no overtime. I hope they compensate him with comp time or something. I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. Please, please call me if you find yourself in that situation again. I am always available to talk.

big hugs!

Darce said...

I'm so sorry Erica! But, I think it's great you took some "me" time. Sometimes we just have to fill our own bucket.

nanatrish said...

I will continue to pray for your situation. Know that you are loved and that Christ died for you. Being depressed is nothing to be ashamed of and if you need to get some help there is nothing wrong with that. Most cities have sliding scale for getting some counseling and there is probably Christian counseling through your church. I will be praying for you!

Nikki said...

alrighty then. I understand where you are coming from. Some how hubbys are always gone do not make anymore money and there is never any mney to do much. I here you sister. Do not feel bad we all have done things.

Di said...

Hey, first of, seriously, DO NOT feel bad for taking a "time out". You needed it. Even if you didn't relax, you got away. Maybe not the best way to handle a situation but we aren't always in the best frame of mind. It is much better than staying home and letting whatever might have happened, happen. As for the money, well it wasn't that much and so you go without somewhere else later.

It is very hard when your other half is always gone. You are left to be the single mom with the added stress of still expecting and needing your husband to be there.

You have a LOT of life stresses going on right now. Maybe you need to find something that just you can do. A night out with friends every two weeks. A book club. Go to a coffee house and just sit and read. It doesn't have to cost money but something you can rely on to do on a regular basis that doesn't involve the rest of your family.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you. Life can be so difficult at times. You will get past this. You KNOW your husband loves you. He is probably feeling a little bit of stress at work to perform also, doesn't make it any easier at home, I know. Just do what you can to make it through the day. Remember, we are all here for you. Oh, and as for your mom. I am SURE she didn't mind. She is your mom and has probably experienced similar things!

Jaime said...

I'm so sorry. I wish I could help in some way. Dave's hours are insane. I'm sorry you didn't get to go out on your date. You got a great deal with that hotel room though! :)

Lavinia said...

Sorry I didn't visit here earlier. First off, let me say, erase any and all guilt over a measly 35 dollars. You did what you needed to do and I am glad you did it. You know, you HAD to get out of the house. I have had that feeling often..that if I stay in this house one more minute I would explode. One has to leave!! For one's sanity!!

Financial strain is horrible. There is no way to gloss over it and I HATE when people try to make financial difficulties somehow 'enobling' or 'character building'. I like what Somerset Maugham said about that in his book "Of human bondage". I can't remember it word for word but I will look it up and get back to you.

This salary situation sounds untenable and I wonder if it is within his power to change that....I hope he can give it a shot if that is possible. The economy stinks but its hardworking individuals who are holding their noses and drowning in the reek.

You really, truly, have to take stock and take steps to do something....to feel better consistently. There are options. A trip to your family doctor for starters...there is a strong chance this is hormonally caused...it may be fixable....

The pain, headaches, and other physical manifestations are wearing you down and leaving you less and less able to cope with the strains of daily life. I am going to pray for you, and ask God to shine a spotlight on you and take you in His Hands.

Love and hugs,
Lavinia.

email me anytime if you'd like. Any support I'd be glad to give.

Hang in there...it WILL get better...this too shall pass. Strider's words are very wise.

birdbath@birdlover.com

Becky said...

Erica,

I'm so glad you have so many other good comments already! My heart just aches for you...my mother has always struggled with depression (and even called me a couple of times from out-of-state when she was suicidal..fun for me, eh?)...anyway, I know that it just feels so hopeless. You should be proud of yourself for being pro-active. Did you handle the situation perfectly? Probably not...but you did SOMETHING!! And that is a great beginning.

Plus, your $35 hotel stay has nothing on my occassional retail therapy (which we can't afford either).

I can empathize with the husband thing. I almost blew a fuse the other night when Jeff informed me that he had a Scout training meeting (church-related) from 7:00 in the morning until 1:00 in the afternoon this Saturday!!! AAHH...and of course, since he is a salaried manager at a manufacturing plant that runs 24/7 and has a Blackberry attached to his hip--well, let's just say I understand a tiny bit at least.

Sending hugs and prayers your way...

The Luthy Life said...

Oh Erica! I feel frustrated for you. I thought leaving to a hotel was a smart decision. Even though money might of been tight you were able to collect your thoughts and calm down. It's hard doing that home where the tension is. I would like to have a word with Dave's boss. I would be ticked if Eric had those kind of hours and wasn't getting paid overtime. You come over and we'll prank call him and egg his house! I've got your back!